An experiment. Please critique.
~
She keeps her eyes closed as she manifests
into the realm of mortals, taking in the atmosphere one sense at a time. The
gentle breath of the world caressing her pale skin. Soft blades of grass
brushing against her bare feet. Sounds of rustling leaves and an owl’s hoot
some ways behind her trickle into her ears. The rich scent of apples and
peaches mixed with honey she could almost taste.
“Enjoying the moment?”
Her eyes flick open. Ah, the man with pearl eyes. Hardly visible in the
moonlight, sitting there in an apple tree. Eating a peach. Looks like a frog,
the way he’s perched up there. She likes frogs.
“Hello Frog.” She smiles
up at him.
“So that’s my name this
time, eh?” The man, grinning, falls forward, flips, and lands lightly on his
feet in front of her. “Been a while, Zel. Come to announce another passing?”
“When else do you find me?”
She sees Frog look toward the old manor not far off. A lit window reveals a little
girl searching through a desk. “Though I wonder, are you here for more than a
kindly greeting, perhaps?”
“Perhaps.” Frog glances
back at Zel. “Alas, my duties indeed call me elsewhere, and so a kindly
greeting it must be left.” He makes an exaggerated, flourishing bow. A flash of
light catches Zel’s attention to a blade at his side. “Farewell. Until the next
corpse. May we have more time for pleasantries then.” Shadowy tendrils begin
twisting up from around his feet, consuming his body, even to his pearl-white
eyes, causing the form to collapse into the ground and vanish into the wavering
shade of the wind-rustled trees.
Zel turns to the manor,
her feet gliding over the delicate grass bringing her to a water basin in a
courtyard next to the aged building. She notices a web of ivy clinging to the
side of the stone wall like frost on a window. The intricate weaving of stems
in and out of cracks in the rock makes her smile. So different from her home of
insubstantial echoes of substance.
She sits at the dry stone
basin with her back to the manor, lazily lifting her hand from her side. The
air around her arm quivers, quickly replaced by a dripping red cloth. Zel
brings the bloodied garments into the basin and waves her free hand over it languidly,
summoning a fresh pool of water, which almost immediately turns into a dark
wine tint. Her hands busy themselves in the pooled liquid as a song flits past
her lips like butterflies escaping a net.
The cloak of Death
Like Winter’s breath
Veils the sound
Of mourning
Softly soon
Come ‘morrow’s moon
Souls will rise
Soaring
Falling rain
Will come in vain
To wash the crimson stain
She
thinks of Frog’s blade. Of the girl in the window. Of the blood in her hands,
familiar as water. Death is both as natural to her as a river’s flow and as
foreign as sunlight on a summer’s day. Why is it so painful for those that yet
live? She is vaguely aware of someone’s presence behind her as she continues
her eerie melody.
While pale face
Calls Death’s embrace
The gentle wind
Shall cease
Listless bliss
Shall be as mist
When sorrow falls
In peace
And with the slain
Comes lover’s pain
Who holds the crimson stain
She
senses the presence draw nearer. It feels timid with its light footfalls erratically
stepping and stopping, unsure of itself. The little girl? Zel looks down at the
garments in her hands: A man’s long silk shirt with a frayed tear in the
middle. Perhaps the father’s. The lyrics continue through the cool night air.
Blood will drip
And fate yet grip
The wings of ash
So barren
Dawn’s bright gaze
Shall fail to raise
The faces of
The children
When all is lain
O’er mortal’s bane
There lies the crimson stain
Zel’s
melody ends. She stares down at the shirt in her hands, keeping still while the
calm silence lengthens. Slowly turning her head, she looks at the girl watching
her only a few feet away. The look in her eyes is full of wonder and curiosity.
It reminds her of herself whenever she found something new in the mortal world.
She feels sadness for the girl, not quite knowing why. How might this young one
take the death of her father? The mortal kind tend to each react somewhat
differently in such a position.
She
decides not to linger with this child much longer. Her appearance to mortals
also causes varied reactions. Zel lets her presence dissolve into the air, an
early mist catching the morning breeze. The wondering girl is left alone in the
moonlit courtyard. A dark liquid drips from the basin.
The way you talked about this I thought it would be terrible or juvenile or something, but it's not. Is it a first draft? I'd say go through it maybe once or twice to tighten it up a bit as it feels a little loose. Perhaps a few word changes (Like... I'd suggest use exchanging atmosphere in the first paragraph with something else.)
ReplyDeleteOther than that it's pretty great though. Very train of thought, as is your style.
Yeah it's a first draft. I didn't like the ending personally. Felt it just kind of dropped off, but didn't know how to close up the scene properly. Also the dialogue and the bit with Frog felt too short and weak. And I like how I used to think I had a decent vocabulary, but I can't make it flow how I want... Well, I guess I'm being a hallmark cliché of a new writer, bashing my own work all the time lol. Guess I should try focusing a bit on the positives... now, what are they...?
ReplyDelete..... Well for starters it's a first draft so stop downing it. Not everyone writes amazing first drafts.
ReplyDeleteYou get the concept across really well without being like HERE THIS THIS IS WHATS GOING ON DO YOU GET IT DO YOU YAYYYY. The story flows. All of the things you ever write flow. That is a positive.
Because it's a first draft, take a day or two at least of Not reading or looking at it, then rewrite the ending.
But I thought the ending was good. I lied it. It was pretty smooth.
Specific positives.
You built the scene well and you designed the atmosphere of what's going on well. It does flow fairly well. It reads well anyways... Just because a slight unidentifiable something is off doesn't mean there is no flow, it's like a little rock in a waterfall.
I would like to see the concept taken a bit farther but it does hold it's own as a short story, as a breif glimpse. That is a positive.
The ending really was smooth. Also a positive.
Yes, the dialogue between Frog and her could have been different, but you did build, in a few short lines, what their relationship looks like. That's a positive.
I would change " It reminds her of herself whenever she found something" to "It reminds her of herself whenever she finds something " or " It reminds her of herself back when she'd find something"
The story left me wanting more, yet satisfied with it as it stands. Well done.
haha thanks. the full story behind writing this was that for my class i had written this scene from the girl's perspective but it completely failed because I tried doing too much within only the 3 page limit for the assignment. So this is my 'revision' which basically made it into an entirely new piece. The assignment is always suppose to be a stand alone even if it's an excerpt of something bigger, so I also didn't want to do too much with it just yet. It was also experimental being a 3rd person present tense while trying to build my character more as she hadn't had very much depth before (and still doesn't as much as I'd like yet..).
ReplyDeleteAnyway thanks for your review. I'm presenting it tomorrow so I'll try to edit it a bit tonight..